Watch It All Go By
by IantoCriss
Summary: It gets hard, sometimes. We all know that. Mercedes knows it, too.


Mercedes closes her eyes, and leans against the wall. She's happy for Mr. Schue and Ms. Pillsbury, of course she is, but it still kind of sucks. Kurt and Blaine are standing in the corner by the piano, small, shy smiles on their faces. She knows they'll get back together, it's only a matter of time. Tina and Mike are laughing and talking, sitting in the plastic chairs off to the side, and it's easy to see that they still love each other. Santana's over in the doorway, phone to her ear, giggling at something someone on the phone is saying. Alicia, Mercedes thinks, is the girl's name. Marley and Jake are slow dancing together, even though there's no music playing. Kitty is sitting in Artie's lap, making fun of him and playing with his glasses.

And then there's Sam. Sam is holding Brittany tight, twirling her around, telling her about how beautiful, and smart, and talented she is. He's got this look in his eyes, this all-encompassing passion that he's directing at the gorgeous, thin blonde in his arms. She looks so happy, so elated. She knows that she'll be leaving soon, but it doesn't matter in that moment, because she's in love with the tan, adorably geeky boy holding her.

Mercedes sighs and steps away from the tan wall, smoothing down her dress. She takes one last look around the room, realizing just how much she misses everyone, and most of all, how much she misses herself. The girl from the year before, who had fallen head over heels for a boy who seemed to feel the same way about her. She thinks about the last four years, and how much she's changed; how much everyone else has changed.

Turning her back on the room that held so many memories, she leaves the room, sidling past Santana, who is still glued to her phone. One step. Kurt. The cute boy who was the only one to pay her any attention, and turned out to be gay. His Prince Charming is in the room with him, and even though Kurt doesn't know, Mercedes knows about how gorgeous the silver ring is that Blaine has in his pocket.  
Another step. Puck. The bad boy who she didn't really like all that much, but the attention was nice. She'd never really had a guy pay any attention to her like that. He was her first kiss.  
Turn the corner. Anthony. He was a sweet guy, but he left her for a Cheerio. Never outright admitted it, but it was implied that he just couldn't deal with a girl who was bigger than he was. The Cheerio he's still with doesn't even weigh 100 pounds.  
Go through the double door exit. Shane. He was so sweet. Called her beautiful, kissed her cheeks, held her hands. She wanted to go all the way with him, but he politely declined. Said he didn't believe in premarital sex. She can't help but feel like if he had really been attracted to her, he wouldn't have said no.  
She finally gets outside, and she lets herself think of Sam. Sam, the boy who she really, truly loved. Still loves. He fought for her when she was with Shane, he made her feel like she was special. He was the first one to actually make her feel desired, like she was worth something. He wouldn't just hold her hand, he would almost cling to it. He wouldn't just kiss her cheeks, he would kiss her passionately, until she felt like she would die from lack of oxygen. He would hold her so tight, kiss her so deeply, and whisper sweet things into her ear until she made him stop. She gave him everything, even though she was fresh from the breakup with Shane. She told him she loved him. She wanted everything with him.

She wanted the romance. The love. The intensity.

Mercedes gets to her car, gets in, but can't bring herself to start it. Thinking about all the love in that choir room; Kurt and Blaine, Will and Emma, Jake and Marley, Tina and Mike, Brittany and Sam… It's too much. It hurts more than she wants it to. She's not just single, she's alone. She's alone out in LA, trying to make it in a world that thinks she's not sexy enough and too fat to make it. She's gone on a few dates, but they all run away when they realize she won't sleep with them that night. She cries herself to sleep most nights, wishing that someone would hold her close, tell her that she's perfect just the way she is. She wants that someone to be Sam, but it won't happen. Because he's in love, and it's not with her. No one is.


End file.
